A Christmas Declaration
by Wicked Willow
Summary: Buffy gives Spike a very special Christmas present... PG13 for some mild cusing and allusions to sex.


Spoiler: Buffy gives Spike a very special Christmas present.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, yadda, yadda, yadda.  
  
The song lyrics are from Simon and Garfunkle.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~A winters day, in a deep and dark December...~  
  
It was snowing outside, but Buffy Summers was impervious to the chill. There was little human activity on this unusually cold night, but that didn't keep the creepy-crawlies from coming out to play. Already she had staked four vamps, and the night was still young. Buffy sighed. Two days until Christmas. The Scoobies were all at Xander and Anya's place decorating.  
  
~I am alone, gazing from my window, to the streets below, on a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow...~  
  
She was glad to have this excuse to be absent from the festivities, Buffy thought as she dusted her sixth vamp. This way she wouldn't have to pretend to be happy when all she really felt inside was... well, nothing.  
  
She felt a familiar presence behind her as Spike walked up. She wasn't in the mood to be around him tonight. She just wanted him to stay away so that she could stop thinking about him.  
  
~I am a rock, I am an island...~  
  
"Go away, Spike," she said with a small growl.  
  
"Come on love. Don't get your panties all in a bunch," he snapped back. "I just wanted to talk to you."  
  
Uhhu, sure you did." She sighed again as the familiar longing filled her. It didn't seem so bad that he didn't want to "talk".  
  
~I've built walls, a fortress deep and mighty, that none may penetrate...~  
  
***  
  
Spike was discouraged. However hard he tried, she was not going to let him in. That didn't mean that he was giving up. He would get to the Slayer one way or another. He had to. She was killing herself inside out, and he couldn't watch her do it any longer.  
  
"Hey, Slayer, why don't we go help those Scoobies of yours decorate? I hate all this bloody snow. I mover to Sunnydale to get away from the damn stuff.  
  
They both knew that he was lying about the snow, but Buffy was getting cold and the demon population seemed to have taken cover as well.  
  
"Alright, lets go."  
  
~I have no need of friendship, friendship causes pain, it's laughter and it's loving I disdain...~  
  
***  
  
The air at Xander and Anya's apartment was alive with joy and celebration. Which is why Buffy and Spike felt instantly ill at ease.  
  
"Buffy! Spike!" Willow exclaimed loudly as the pair walked into the room. "We were just about to make cookies. Wanna help decorate them?"  
  
~I am a rock, I am an island...~  
  
"No, Will, that's ok. Where's Dawn? Buffy asked, once again shutting herself off from the others.  
  
"Oh, she, Anya and Xander went to get a star for the tree. Dawn dropped the old one."  
  
"Has Gile's plane landed yet?"  
  
"Yup. He and Tara are in the kitchen starting on the cookies. Are you sure that you don't want to help?"  
  
"I'm sure. I...uh...forgot something downstairs. Be right back," Buffy lied. She had to get out of there before she went nuts.  
  
"Oh, ok." Willow looked a little sad, but tried to put on a happy face. "We'll see you later, right?"  
  
"K. Be right back," Buffy said as she all but bolted for the door, Spike following moments behind.  
  
~Don't talk of love, well I've heard the word before. It's sleeping in my memory...~  
  
***  
  
"Buffy!" Spike yelled at the back of the quickly departing Slayer. "Come back here!"  
  
"Go away! I don't want to be around you!" She yelled back.  
  
He caught her arm. "You can't keep running from emotion. You are going to have to face it someday. Now take my coat, you're freezing!"  
  
Her rebellious look was quelled by his determined stare. She sighed as she donned his leather jacket.  
  
"Why do you fight it so much?" he mumbled, but Buffy heard him anyway.  
  
"Fight what?" she asked, instantly regretting the question.  
  
"The fact that you love me..." Spike mumbled lust before they kissed.  
  
"Because...I...I don't..." she sighed as she leaned into his embrace. "I...I can't. I don't...know how to love anymore..."  
  
"I don't think that's it..." he said as they stumbled to his crypt to escape any prying eyes...  
  
~I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I'd never loved, I never would have cried...~  
  
***  
  
As she lay there, unable to sleep, Buff wondered why she was unable to love anyone, even Spike. He kept her alive. Without Spike, she would have completely died inside long ago. But his love kept that tiny flame in her heart lit, no matter how hard she tried to make it go out.  
  
Still, Buffy couldn't help but think that every time she slept with Spike she was betraying Angel. But he had betrayed her first! He had left when she had needed him most! If she admitted that she loved Spike...what was to keep him here?  
  
~I am a rock, I am an island...~  
  
When Spike woke up, the Slayer was gone. Damn, he thought. I was sure that I was getting to her that time... or maybe that was the problem...  
  
***  
  
~I have my books, and my poetry to protect me...~  
  
The Magic Box was usually quiet on Christmas Eve, but this year it was alive and kicking. Giles was enjoying working in the store again, while Dawn had sneaked out over an hour ago. As things calmed down near sundown, Giles cornered Buffy.  
  
"How are you, Buffy?" Giles asked, polishing his glasses. He knew that Buffy had been avoiding him all day and was trying to be tactful.  
  
"Horrible, actually," Buffy answered truthfully.  
  
"Yes, well," Giles stammered. He had not been prepared for her forthrightness. "I am sure that you will face it with your usual attitude, whatever the problem may be."  
  
~I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my womb, safe within my womb...~  
  
That was the problem, Buffy thought. She wasn't facing it. She was running and hiding from the person that was coming to matter most to her. She was bottling up all her emotions and not letting them out. The Slayer, who shouldn't be afraid of anything, was terrified of her feelings!  
  
~I touch no one and no one touches me...~  
  
As Buffy made her last sweep in the snow that night, she found herself in front of Spike's crypt. During the night, she had come to some very hard choices. She hoped that, though it was about 2:30, Spike would be at home. Almost before she knocked, the door was opened by the bleach-blond vampire.  
  
"Is everything alright, love?" he asked worriedly.  
  
"I just need to `talk' to you," she said, stressing the word.  
  
Spike smiled and motioned her inside.  
  
When he turned around, he found Buffy hungrily kissing his lips. When they came up for air, Buffy smiled and said softly, "Merry Christmas Spike... I love you."  
  
Spike grinned widely as he carried Buffy to his bed. The Slayer had finally realized that locking up her emotions destroyed the good with the bad. She had finally decided to let both free...  
  
~And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries...~ 


End file.
